IMO: Identifying with the Villainess

Given my recent post on all the horrible parenting happening in the world lately, and my outrage at the cruel ways some treat their families, I am feeling a little guilty admitting this- but… I can’t say I hate this mom (“Mother accused of handcuffing son to chair”). I heard this story this morning as I was getting my kids ready for school.

The way I’m reading it, this woman has a couple of kids at home. The article doesn’t indicate that there’s a dad at home. Which means she’s probably parenting alone. The town she’s living in isn’t exactly the poshest of neighborhoods, so she is likely struggling financially, which adds to the stress. And she’s got a teenager who is getting into trouble. She was probably judged rather harshly after her son’s arrest for shoplifting, too. (Keep a better eye on your kid. Didn’t you teach him right from wrong? It wouldn’t have happened to my kid.)

You can just hear the camel’s back breaking can’t you?

We don’t know if this mom is abusive prior to this. We don’t know if that morning, she was out and someone let another snide remark slip out. We don’t know if her other child had been redefining defiant that day. What we know is she snapped.

Was it a break with reality? I don’t think it is, but I do think it was a break with what’s actually okay to do.

She seems to be a Christian of sorts. Which sort we don’t know, and I don’t think that part matters because clearly, she hasn’t gleaned the notions of grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Though it seems she’s taken the spare the rod, spoil the child to heart- and even if she’s not into spanking, she does get that she must act or her child is headed down a very hard path.

So, what does she do? She ups the ante on grounding, to a degree that Child Protective Services gets called in.

She grounds her son, 16 yrs old, by having him sit in a room that’s 4’ x 6’, handcuffs him to the chair. With NOTHING to do, but read a Bible. He’s there from 6am to 7pm. She brings him meals. Gives him a bell to ring if he has to go to the bathroom. And, at bedtime, lets him lie down but still handcuffs him to a desk leg.

I can understand the reasoning behind it even if I don’t think it’s okay. I know, just from my toddlers, the frustration of children who won’t do what you need them to and the appeal of just restraining them. My husband even joked about it last night. (Our girls have just moved to twin beds out of cribs and they are enjoying their freedom at the expense of their parent’s sleep.) He said- I could just borrow a few restraints from the hospital. I rolled my eyes. He shrugged. We laughed. Yes, this is a tough transition but both of us know in so many ways- that’s not right. Most of us just know that. You can’t treat kids that way. But that doesn’t take away the appeal of having a child obey.

I can only imagine this woman’s frustration. Not that it makes it okay, but I have had those days (this morning actually) when I am desperate for my kids to listen to what I’m asking them to do, and then do it, without the whining or the meltdowns or outright disobedience. I can’t even imagine the whining or meltdowns at the teenage level. I mean this is a 16 year old kid she’s dealing with- and one that’s crossed the line of getting into real trouble.

If it was okay to torture your children and somehow the torturing didn’t lead to all kinds of emotional, behavioral, and social repercussions… I guess I could say- hey, I get it, I’d lock my kid up, too. But it’s not. It does cause damage, and likely, damage was done long before this particular event happened.

I feel for the teen, as I do for any kid who grows up with incomplete love. I fear for what this teen will grow up understanding about women, family, authority, God, and Christianity. But I also feel for this mom, who likely grew up with her own incomplete love, the holes which left her without the ability to find a better way to correct her child’s behavior. I also hold each of them- the teen and the mom- responsible for the situation. The teen is old enough to make good decisions in spite of his home environment, and the mother made a tremendously bad decision when she decided to punish her child this way.

Is CPS right to take her children away? For the moment. In a dream world, I’d love for the world’s best social worker/family counselor to come to the rescue and help them work through what’s not working and re-educate and re-equip them, so that they can remain a family, but a whole family. Sadly, that doesn’t seem to happen.

The news anchors were quick to mock this mother, in professional tones of course, and to find neighbors on the block to comment similarly. Families like this don’t need our reprimands and judgment; they need our compassion and understanding. We don’t have to condone cruel treatment, but we do have to be able to see the situation through their eyes.

It’s time we lay aside the planks we’ve amassed from our own eyes. If we don’t, we won’t be able to fully see the layer upon layer of complicating factors that lead to stories like this. It also allows us to see our own faults more clearly, and helps us see- we’re not so different from them.

“The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this [mother]’ … But the [mother] stood at a distance…would not even look up to heaven, but beat [her] breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me...’ Jesus said, ‘I tell you that this [woman], rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” –Luke 18:11-14, NIV 2010, Lynnified.

Is there a story you’ve learned of recently that gave you pause because you could identify with the anti-hero? How does it influence your own actions when you learn of such stories?