tough day for nanowrimo

The site has had a hard time loading up today. I'm up to roughly 1600 wds for today, I'll try and update through nano before I turn in here but it might not work. I'd need to be up another 4500+ in order to meet my 2500/day goal (that's going by 20 days instead of 30) but I don't see that happening. I'm a little disappointed I can't seem to squeeze more words in but I have to keep in mind, it's a tremendous feat just the same, goals met or not.

I'm still ever-s0-slightly hopeful that my husband will take the kids for long chunks of time while we're on vacation and that my family that hasn't seen me in close to a year won't mind if I'm anti-social and hiding out in a room typing away?? Okay, that sounds like a little priority issue there.

My back up plan is that if I only even get somewhere around 1/2 to 3/4 done, then I can take December off and dive back in January- and maybe up the goal to 70 or 80k which is the average size for the type of novel I'm writing.

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing this because I feel like I've been given a gift and that I need to use it the way the donor sees fit. And when I get side-tracked by how cool it would be to have people reading my work, I remind myself that it's not mine in the first place, it's Gods, and if I can be a vessel for this and do it in a way that shines a speck of light on truth, in a way that doesn't preach, in a way that doesn't brow beat, in a way that says- this is what love and mercy and grace and hope look like, this is redemption at its core and its here for anyone because we're loved that much.

In a way, it's like having a child- it's this co-creation with God and it's beautiful for all that it is, all that it could be, and loving it in spite of all it's not, and ultimately, letting it go not knowing what will happen to it, hoping you've done all you could to prepare it before releasing it to the world and letting it float out there with only God knowing what will come of it.

okay, that procrastinator's moment (I mean, my break) was too long... back to words for a little while more.

till then.